• Callum Holgate

I've Pissed Myself

I've pissed myself.

Not because I had to

But because I wanted to.

Life's too short worry

About finding a toilet every time

You're about to piss yourself.

Do you know that feeling?

That feeling of warm piss

Sliding down your leg and pooling

In a light yellow soup

At your own two feet?

No, it's not embarrassment

And okay maybe it's a slight discomfort

But really it's freedom!

“Carpe Diem…”

That's Latin for ‘piss yourself!’

I'm not saying you should live

In a constant state of pissing yourself,

That'd put toilet manufacturers

Out of a job while Simultaneously creating a boom

In the underwear and jeans markets

Hitherto unprecedented

In the current economic climate.

No, instead choose wisely.

Piss with care, and with passion.

Piss when it matters most,

When those few seconds it takes to

Pluck up the courage to ask a stranger

"Sorry mate, you don't know where the loos are do ya?"

Are crucial seconds you could be spending

Talking to your future wife

Across a busy bar,

Or reading out a poem you wrote

For an open mic night

To help you cope with the fact

That you still piss yourself

Almost daily at the age of 21.

Pissing yourself isn't an admittance of defeat,


Pissing yourself is a statement to the world.

A bold-faced cry of

"World! I'm here! I'm brave,

And I'm not afraid to do what has to be done

To ensure my family

And peers respect me.

Also I've pissed myself."

Cherish this God-given power,

This last remaining aspect

Of a by-gone era

For one day, you'll grow old

Retired, in a soft armchair

Unable to piss yourself

No matter how much you want to.

Let the naysayers naysay!

Let those too caught up in human social constructs

Like "embarrassment" or "image"

Or so called "basic personal hygiene"

Remain caught up in their world.

Go out there, look your behavioural therapist

In her goddamn eyes and say

"Jane, this is me, this is who I am

I piss myself, I have pissed myself

Many times in the past,

And I'll damn well piss myself again,

So no matter how many times

You tell me that I have the

'Bladder control of a newborn,'

Or a 'toddler at a push'

I'll be proud of my excretions,

For I am a man of the future,

And yes! I will be back next week

To discuss how I turn to

Motivational speech

And dangerous self affirmations

In the form of spoken word poetry

To deal with my own problems

And internally squash my legitimate

Concerns and embarrassments.

Thank you for your time,

I really feel like you're helping

Me come out of my shell and grow

As a person.

Also I've pissed myself."

#poetry #poem #poems #writing #writer #creativewriting #isolation #quarantine #spokenword

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