- Callum Holgate
I've Pissed Myself
I've pissed myself.
Not because I had to
But because I wanted to.
Life's too short worry
About finding a toilet every time
You're about to piss yourself.
Do you know that feeling?
That feeling of warm piss
Sliding down your leg and pooling
In a light yellow soup
At your own two feet?
No, it's not embarrassment
And okay maybe it's a slight discomfort
But really it's freedom!
“Carpe Diem…”
That's Latin for ‘piss yourself!’
I'm not saying you should live
In a constant state of pissing yourself,
That'd put toilet manufacturers
Out of a job while Simultaneously creating a boom
In the underwear and jeans markets
Hitherto unprecedented
In the current economic climate.
No, instead choose wisely.
Piss with care, and with passion.
Piss when it matters most,
When those few seconds it takes to
Pluck up the courage to ask a stranger
"Sorry mate, you don't know where the loos are do ya?"
Are crucial seconds you could be spending
Talking to your future wife
Across a busy bar,
Or reading out a poem you wrote
For an open mic night
To help you cope with the fact
That you still piss yourself
Almost daily at the age of 21.
Pissing yourself isn't an admittance of defeat,
No.
Pissing yourself is a statement to the world.
A bold-faced cry of
"World! I'm here! I'm brave,
And I'm not afraid to do what has to be done
To ensure my family
And peers respect me.
Also I've pissed myself."
Cherish this God-given power,
This last remaining aspect
Of a by-gone era
For one day, you'll grow old
Retired, in a soft armchair
Unable to piss yourself
No matter how much you want to.
Let the naysayers naysay!
Let those too caught up in human social constructs
Like "embarrassment" or "image"
Or so called "basic personal hygiene"
Remain caught up in their world.
Go out there, look your behavioural therapist
In her goddamn eyes and say
"Jane, this is me, this is who I am
I piss myself, I have pissed myself
Many times in the past,
And I'll damn well piss myself again,
So no matter how many times
You tell me that I have the
'Bladder control of a newborn,'
Or a 'toddler at a push'
I'll be proud of my excretions,
For I am a man of the future,
And yes! I will be back next week
To discuss how I turn to
Motivational speech
And dangerous self affirmations
In the form of spoken word poetry
To deal with my own problems
And internally squash my legitimate
Concerns and embarrassments.
Thank you for your time,
I really feel like you're helping
Me come out of my shell and grow
As a person.
Also I've pissed myself."
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